I can't believe it's been 6 or 7 weeks since I posted. Actually, in terms of all the events that have transpired, it seems much longer than that.
I've had a hard time lately.
We did move, about 3 weeks ago, and we are in our new house now. It's taken some time to recover in body and spirit from the preparations and event of the move itself; and even more time to settle into the new place. Physically, we have the basic provisions and are chugging along pretty much normally. Everyone has a bed to sleep in, and plates to eat from; we have refrigerators, a washer and dryer and a van. Hubby has a good job, where he's been working for the past week-and-a-half. We've reconnected at our old, well-loved, church. The children have made new friends: just this afternoon we had 9 children playing in the yard. Everyone is enjoying the peaceful, although ghostly dry, scenery around the house.
The family in general seems to be quite happy.
Mama, however, ain't happy, and that's the plain truth of it.
I am finding that in some ways it's harder on a person to be unhappy in easy times than it is to be happy in hard ones. You can't hang that unhappy hat on its post of trial and let it rest there, and you have no right to wear it: so what do you do?
I can't even put my finger on what this feeling is: an emptiness and a vague disappointment and a loss of any kind of interest, or even hope.
I can't put my finger on exactly why, either. I miss my family, it's true. I miss my sisters and my mom and dad and all the people who were in my corner rooting for me daily; all the ones who love me and adore my children. I know what it is like to be so far away from the ones closest to you: I've done this before.
The first time, I didn't know how, day by day, experiences not shared would drop away, irretrievably, into the vast abyss of time; and how the dividing chasm widens--imperceptibly and relentlessy-- as the tangible, actual, living you is replaced in the lives of those you love, by your memory.
The first time, I didn't know this would happen until the excitement of the new, succeeded by the comfort of familiarity, had already provided buffers against the realization of what had been lost.
The first time, it was temporary.
This time, there is neither the excitement of the true new, nor the comfort of real familiarity. Familiar things are strange, and different. The sense of emptiness and loss overshadows everything.
Everything.
And the solace that was once found in the words "One day we will..." no longer exists.
I think this is the first time that I have really sensed the finality of a door that has been firmly closed. It feels like losing a limb, or one of your five senses, or your best friend.
6 comments:
Moey,
I love you.
I am sorry, so sorry, for your pain. I want to walk through this with you, I want you to know that there are people standing by you through all of it. I am afraid that you can't see me there right now, though. :-( Please know that I am with you.
I am not going to let you become a mere memory to me. I know that when we were far apart before, we hardly knew each other. This time is different in that respect. Physically we are far apart, but the care and love I have for you is very, very present. I will not let that change.
You are allowed to be sad. You have a right to grieve, you have lost a lot. You have lost children so you know that the living children you have do not replace the ones you have lost. Likewise, there are still good things in your life but they don't replace those old, precious things that have been taken away. You need to allow yourself to grieve. You need to permit yourself to feel what you are feeling.
I think that things will be better for you one day. What seems strange and unfamiliar to you now will become more and more familiar. You will find a new normal. It will be okay.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do. ANYTHING.
Your friend and sister,
Deb
Oh, Moey--I made a comment, then did not send it. I was afraid it might be too personal and might make things worse. Now that Deb has said what I wanted to say, only said it better, I feel a bit more free to talk to you.
Every time you leave here, it is harder to see you go. I know that you set your mind to make this "the last move", but I hope you haven't set that in cement. Like Deb said,you need to allow yourself to grieve and also to change your mind if need be!
As Deb also said, even though we are physically far apart, our spirits are with you and you are in our hearts, a constant presence, always. There will be times when we can be together, even if for short times.
If you can bring yourself to continue sharing your feelings and problems, worries with us OFTEN, I think it will be time well spent. It will help us to be nearer to you, too.
I am concerned that perhaps your dh doesn't know the depth or breadth of your feelings about this, and that you feel you cannot "bother" him with them. I am not the perfect wife, and I can't offer positively perfect solutions to this. But I do know that if you are feeling this way, it is a real feeling, a real grieving experience, and you need to let him know how you feel. I think he is probably experiencing some sadness and sense of loss, too, although not nearly as much as you are.
Feelings as you have now can lead to resentment and as such can take root in your heart and build up over time. Having a heart-to-heart with dh, if you can do it, might really help.
We are here for you and I'll do anything to help that I can. Please let me know, ok?
I love you and am here for you--
Mom
I am so very sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Please know that I will keep you in my prayers.
Mo, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now and that you are feeling so alone. I just want you to know that I think of you and pray for you every day and I will also not let you and your wonderful family become just memories. I am so grateful that we have such easy ways to communicate now and that we can continue to be daily parts of each others' lives.
Please don't feel guilty for your sadness - you have a right to feel how you feel, and I can only hope that as time goes on the business of life will help to quell this sadness. We love you so much and you are an important part of our lives. That will never change.
Love you and miss you, Hannah
Dear New Friend,
While I don't know you, I have had that empty and hurting feeling soon after a move that happened very quickly. Everyone around me thought that I was excited and happy about the move and I was too busy to know if I was or not.
Afer we got into our new home the real blues set in and I missed family and all that had been familiar in our old home. I found that I was actually angry...at who??? I had every opportunity to voice an opinion about the move. I don't understand it...it just was.
I do not know what all of the triggers are for you but would implore you to hang in and give God time to wrap HIS arms around you. You are loved in Him.
Your story of the house sale and purchase is really amazing. I am so glad I found your blog.
I, too homeschool. We have 3 children.
I will be keeping you in my prayers and checking back to your blog often.
Becky K.
I can understand...we made our move here to a very little town...it was a major change and I did not think it would affect me the way it has until just recently. You described things the way I had felt but could not express.
I love it here...love the people but it has taken time to adjust and to find out where I fit or belong. It has been up and down at times.
You have had a lot of stuff going on and a lot to think through and well...go through too! You may need to allow yourself that time to just go through it.
Love and God's Blessings,
Cat
(www.xanga.com/MrsCatherine)
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